the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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