I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
