Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
