i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
