You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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