Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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