im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
