He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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