these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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