I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
