just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
