New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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