I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
