Already got asked if we're dating
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
