So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
