I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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