...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
