Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
