She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
