Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
