i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
