Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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