I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
