I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
