I hate your face
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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