I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
