Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
