My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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