Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
