Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
