Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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