She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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