my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
