glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
