I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
