Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
