I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Never underestimate the power of titties
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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