mondays should just be called national damage control day
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
