She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
