i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Come share oat with me in your robe
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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