My girlfriend figured out who you are.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
