If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
