My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
