I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
