my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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