Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
my liver is dry heaving
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
