Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
