I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
