I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
