The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
