don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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