So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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