Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
