So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
