you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
