you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
