I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
