how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
