Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
