No stitches, just platelets and will power
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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